How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?
A really dumb gorilla.

What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."

How can you make a drummer slow down?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.

How can you make that drummer stop?
Put notes on it!

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.

Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car?
It took him two hours to get the drummer out...

One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer??"
"Beats me!"

A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them. He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..." SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..." SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..." SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..." SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling. Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside. "So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"

What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.

How can you tell when the stage is level?
The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
"Would you like fries with that?"

What does the dyslexic drummer do after a joke?
"Ching, Badumdum".

What did they find when they dug up Beethoven's grave?
He was decomposing.

An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "bass solo".

Why is playing a drum solo like wetting your pants?
Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.

What does Ginger Baker have in common with 7eleven coffee?
They both suck without Cream.

What is the difference between a chiropodist and a bad drummer?
A chiropodist bucks up your feet!!

A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?" said the guy. "You're a drummer, aren't you?" replied the shop assistant. "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" said the guy. "This is a travel agency."

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality.

Gifted.

To translate what the drummer says.

"I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?".

The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."

there is a bar with a bunch of drummers in it and they are all yelling "51 days, 51 days!" and more and more keep coming in, they are all ordering drinks and yelling "51 days! 51 days!" the bartender has a puzzled look on his face as more and more come into the bar and order more and more drinks and chant and chant. finally, the bartender asks one of the drummers why they are all celebrating and chanting"51 days! 51 days!" the drummer answers with, "well, we all just finished a puzzle in 51 days and the box said 2 to 4 years!"

A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?"

Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up.

A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?"

"No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone.

Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said.

She recognised his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone.

Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked.

Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!"

He thought for a moment, and said: "I just love hearing you say it."

Q: Why do drummers have lots of kids?
A: They're terrible at the rhythm method.

A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

Q: What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Two girls are walking along when they hear...

"Psst! Down here!"

They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.

The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"

The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

Q: What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
A: Mildly retarded.

"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"

Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

A: He doesn't know when to come in.